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| not writing in this anymore cause weird people who i dont know and who don't go to my school are reading this.. and it's not only once... it's multiple times a week.
creepers.
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| so...
you're in China and... i'm here in the states (where else would i be?) and by the time you come back, i'll be in summer school (maybe.. i haven't fully decided yet). Mike and Stef made me realize something that was so obvious, yet.. i was so blind to see it. weird. I hope they're right... if they're not, then all hope is lost and i might as well just give up now.
i had to write a paper today.. it was about the korean war and the split between north and south korea. it was crazy cause i don't know anything about the korean war... so, i basically had to teach myself a lot of things and write a 6 page paper on it... because of this stupid paper, i was unable to go to math class and so now, i'm even more effed. All i want in life (at the moment) is an A in math, a C in History and a B in Religious Studies.
why is life getting so hard? maybe it's because the quarter is coming to an end. maybe it's cause i have so much to do in such a short amount of time. maybe it's because of.. who knows?
all i'm happy about is that... i paid rent today! so yay! i'm going to be living in santa barbara over the summer and cindy lieu is too! our birthdays are only a week apart so we'll probably have two separate joint parties... does that make sense? i want to be happy and so far, this week has been significantly better.
It's probably because I heard true and honest opinions of stef and mike and it made me realize a lot of things that i never thought of and things that i always knew, but didn't acknowledge.
tim's birthday is next week. i bought him a threadless shirt with the giraffe and the dinosaur hugging. the t-shirt is called "we're on the same level." pretty cool, huh? it got re-printed so there was absolutely NO WAY i was going to miss the opportunity this time. haahha. oh leigh anne, you must be so proud of me. gotta spread the threadless love all over the world.
wow, i haven't eaten in... nine hours. it's NO WONDER i'm so hungry.. i guess it didn't hit me until now because i was working on my paper the entire time. eeeeekk. well, i guess it's the best time EVERRRR cause mandy and i are going to eat Pho in celebration of our completing our papers.
anyway, that's all i have going on.
-edit-
why is it that every 5 minutes i just want to smash your head against a wall? !&@^%#!@*&#%!*@&$!@ i need to talk to Mike ASAP. honestly, i don't see what's so goddamn special about her. yeah, she's different and everyone needs change in a while, but still... this is getting a bit too ridiculous for me. you think she's better than i am, but you have noooo idea. she will never feel what i felt and she will NEVER go through what we went through together. We went through dark times that some couples NEVER go through in their entire lifetime and that brought us closer together.. she will never be as close to you as i was to you in the past and you know it. You may deny it, but deep down you and everyone else know that she will NEVER measure up to what i was to you. She may come close, but still.. it won't be the same.
I know that i'm angry at her when I pretty much have no right to be. I'm reasonable enough to at least admit that, but what's the difference between me and her? according to mike, we're apples and oranges so there's no answer to that question... but you pretty much ignore everything that i send you even if it's completely out of friendship or rather.. just being a good sport. you probably answer her e-mails and facebook messages and send her "oh, i miss you too!" messages while you disregard mine. when i confront you about this, you just say that you don't understand how it works, but i think that's a complete fabrication. you're a smart guy and i know that checking facebook messages aren't all that complicated. if I can do it, then i know FOR SURE that you can.
i see how it is. i hope to God that i'm wrong right now.
why don't you actually e-mail me and tell me how things REALLY are..
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| GOD, YOU'RE MEAN.
you gaze down upon the earth from your heavens.. and mock us. you make our lives miserable and you don't do anything to make it better later on...
MY LIFE BETTER CHANGE. AND SOON.
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| I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU RIGHT NOW.
i hope china goes well for you. don't think you can come back to california all happy and pretending like nothing's wrong. i might spend my birthday with you as planned, but who knows? i've been bitter and extremely angry for... a month? who knows if it'll die down... for all i know, every time i hear about you and jessica from another person, it just gets fueled and it burns even bigger and brighter than before.
by the way,
this is probably temporary. i'll be ok in 15 minutes.
have fun.
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